Changing My Perspective

My mom has not been doing well since the week after Christmas…6 weeks now. And in those 6 weeks we’ve had to take her to the ER 3 times resulting in being admitted each time. She has spent a total of 4 out of those 6 weeks in the hospital, with some of those weeks resulting in yet another “complication”. She went home Saturday after being there for 2 weeks but yesterday I had to take her back to the hospital because her nausea has not been controlled by the doctors or the medication they’ve prescribed. I’m not sure how long they’ll admit her this time, it’s always unknown. I feel my days becoming harder and harder because in the past when she would go to the hospital she was able to bounce back after a few days, now the hospital visits become more frequent and longer. I think a lot of my sadness/worry comes from just seeing my mom go through so much and it tears me up to witness all of it.  But through all the pain she’s not giving up and neither am I.  She’s due for her 15^th round of chemo next Friday-Valentine’s Day :-)  My mom has a lot of fight and determination in her!

At the same time all that sadness occurs I’m also happy (even if just for the moment), yep hard to believe for some. Lately it’s not easily conveyed by me and I get a lot of people asking me “Are you sure everything is ok?” And truthfully everything is not ok but I can’t give up on myself, can’t dwell on it b/c it won’t help anything out one bit….I’ve tried. That’s why I’ve started keeping my mind busier, it may seem silly to some but things as simple as blogging, Tumblr, exercising, meeting up with friends, reading, etc they help my mind! I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s the best way to just take that heavy I carry in my mind off. I can be happy one minute and sad the next minute, that’s how quickly my mind shifts back to my mom.  It’s definitely easier said than done but it’s kind of been working little by little for me. But more importantly I've also been reading the Bible more. What helps you guys keep your mind busy?

So with the constant battle I have in my mind & with my emotions I was finding myself confused, frustrated, and in more fear of my mom’s life. It’s the human nature in all of us to worry over what we can’t control, I’m learning and trying to turn off that human nature little by little each day! I believe each obstacle in my way is put there to teach me something and quite often I think the Lord is trying to teach me patience and faith! I always turn to God and believe in Him…yet I guess the devil tends to whisper in my ear at times :-/   

So I asked my friend the following 

How do you have faith that everything will be ok but also “prepare” yourself for the “what ifs”? I guess those words shouldn’t belong in the same sentence, I want everything to be ok and believe it will be but we’re all human so there’s that one little voice in my head that’s telling me “what if”, then what? 

Her response was 

Dealing w/the “what ifs” involves pure faith.  Having faith that isn’t shaken by circumstances, people’s opinions and even what the situation may look like. Operating in pure faith is not easy but it’s not something we can’t learn how to do. You have to keep your environment clean, pure, and free of dissenting opinions that disagree with what you believe. Don’t let these doctor reports, the multiple trips to the ER affect your faith. Keep believing until you see the manifestation”

Hearing this from her reminded me yet again to stay strong in my faith for though it might be difficult, that doesn’t make it impossible!  I never lose faith but it can definitely become a lot stronger than it is. I know it will take a lot of will, a lot of courage and sometimes even a lot of tears.  I read somewhere “Do not be ashamed if you are not there yet because God has a growth for you to come into. And if you are now struggling to walk by faith, understand that all you have to do is change your perspective.”  

Looking at the bigger picture I will either have learned something valuable from all of this to help another person or to strengthen myself spiritually and I have to thank Him for that!