Changing My Perspective

My mom has not been doing well since the week after Christmas…6 weeks now. And in those 6 weeks we’ve had to take her to the ER 3 times resulting in being admitted each time. She has spent a total of 4 out of those 6 weeks in the hospital, with some of those weeks resulting in yet another “complication”. She went home Saturday after being there for 2 weeks but yesterday I had to take her back to the hospital because her nausea has not been controlled by the doctors or the medication they’ve prescribed. I’m not sure how long they’ll admit her this time, it’s always unknown. I feel my days becoming harder and harder because in the past when she would go to the hospital she was able to bounce back after a few days, now the hospital visits become more frequent and longer. I think a lot of my sadness/worry comes from just seeing my mom go through so much and it tears me up to witness all of it.  But through all the pain she’s not giving up and neither am I.  She’s due for her 15^th round of chemo next Friday-Valentine’s Day :-)  My mom has a lot of fight and determination in her!

At the same time all that sadness occurs I’m also happy (even if just for the moment), yep hard to believe for some. Lately it’s not easily conveyed by me and I get a lot of people asking me “Are you sure everything is ok?” And truthfully everything is not ok but I can’t give up on myself, can’t dwell on it b/c it won’t help anything out one bit….I’ve tried. That’s why I’ve started keeping my mind busier, it may seem silly to some but things as simple as blogging, Tumblr, exercising, meeting up with friends, reading, etc they help my mind! I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s the best way to just take that heavy I carry in my mind off. I can be happy one minute and sad the next minute, that’s how quickly my mind shifts back to my mom.  It’s definitely easier said than done but it’s kind of been working little by little for me. But more importantly I've also been reading the Bible more. What helps you guys keep your mind busy?

So with the constant battle I have in my mind & with my emotions I was finding myself confused, frustrated, and in more fear of my mom’s life. It’s the human nature in all of us to worry over what we can’t control, I’m learning and trying to turn off that human nature little by little each day! I believe each obstacle in my way is put there to teach me something and quite often I think the Lord is trying to teach me patience and faith! I always turn to God and believe in Him…yet I guess the devil tends to whisper in my ear at times :-/   

So I asked my friend the following 

How do you have faith that everything will be ok but also “prepare” yourself for the “what ifs”? I guess those words shouldn’t belong in the same sentence, I want everything to be ok and believe it will be but we’re all human so there’s that one little voice in my head that’s telling me “what if”, then what? 

Her response was 

Dealing w/the “what ifs” involves pure faith.  Having faith that isn’t shaken by circumstances, people’s opinions and even what the situation may look like. Operating in pure faith is not easy but it’s not something we can’t learn how to do. You have to keep your environment clean, pure, and free of dissenting opinions that disagree with what you believe. Don’t let these doctor reports, the multiple trips to the ER affect your faith. Keep believing until you see the manifestation”

Hearing this from her reminded me yet again to stay strong in my faith for though it might be difficult, that doesn’t make it impossible!  I never lose faith but it can definitely become a lot stronger than it is. I know it will take a lot of will, a lot of courage and sometimes even a lot of tears.  I read somewhere “Do not be ashamed if you are not there yet because God has a growth for you to come into. And if you are now struggling to walk by faith, understand that all you have to do is change your perspective.”  

Looking at the bigger picture I will either have learned something valuable from all of this to help another person or to strengthen myself spiritually and I have to thank Him for that!

Women vs Women; Let's Stop

“We (society) raise girls to be each other’s competitors, not for jobs or for accomplishments which I think can be a good thing but for the attention of men.” 

- Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

I love that saying! Why do so many females compete with one another? It seems like many females don't like to see other females succeed, but why? I'm not saying all females are that way but a vast majority from what I see each day are. I, on the other hand, love seeing my friends succeed and any women for that matter, we should all help one another. By competing with other females you only show your immaturity, ignorance, and insecurity.  Imagine how much happier some of you would be if you just helped one another instead of shutting each other down. I think society plays a role but we can change that, we don’t have to conform to the way majority of society functions/thinks.

Reality TV and Social Media

So there’s no more "Martin", "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air", "Wayan’s Brothers", and our good ol’fave sitcoms.  Now our channels are consumed on a daily basis with reality TV that thrives off dysfunctional and drama filled shows with a large portion of them centered around females fighting females in some form. Not all reality tv is bad though, I like "American Idol", "The Voice", "So You Think You Can Dance", "Biggest Loser", etc but the ones I speak of are shows like: "The Bachelor", "Flavor of Love", "For the Love of Ray J"…women competing for a man. Shows like: "Basketball Wives", "Bad Girls Club", "Love and Hip Hop" where woman are constantly at each other’s throat trying to be the bigger and badder "bitch". Even "Jersey Shore" and "Teen Mom" don't have great messages about females and the thought of putting out a show as ridiculous as "All My Babies Mamas"- Shawty Lo and all his baby mamas, like really…WOW!  We all have our guilty pleasures (Real Housewives of ATL for me) and nothing wrong with watching them but do we recognize how these shows affect the way women are viewed by society? And some females don't know any better and think the "right" way to act and carry yourself are like these females on TV! In an article I read it stated “reality television is doing little more than 'empowering' young girls to be overly negative” and I believe it.  The younger generation is much more different than we were growing up!  And now with social media, many of us spend a lot of time on FB, IG, YouTube, etc where we can still see females are against each other…the YouTube videos, like Sharkeisha! Really?! And that's the type of stuff that becomes the most viewed videos, headlines, glorified and people think it's funny so they keep the video going and some even start imitating it just so they can get a little bit of fame or thousands of views, but it's wrong...smh. That’s why I choose to post what inspires me, what I love to do, who I love, etc because I’m proud of those things and I hope other women would gravitate more towards a positive approach to life.  I don’t post items on my sites for attention, sympathy, or for myself. I post a lot of encouragement because I need it and others might too.  The same why I get inspired and encouraged by reading other people’s sites, there’s a possibility my followers might be able to do the same on my sites.  You never know who is following you and looking up to you, and if I can be that little light at the end of the tunnel that's what I'll continue doing.  Yes I've change my ways, I'm a woman now and there's personal growth in me every day.  I just want to pour that out to others too!

The whole point I wanted to make was that women are still not being viewed or treated equally as men are in today’s society, yet some of you still want to work against each other instead of empowering each other?!?  I challenge you to re-evaluate how you treat others and strive to be a better person for yourself and for others, it will take you far in life…I’ve seen it happen! If some of us would stop putting each other down we'd be able to help one another through our struggles, because we all have them. People always tend to be there for your highs, but at your lows sometimes it can get lonely. Why not help a friend with encouragement if she is struggling with her weight...offer your tips/advice if you've been successful at it. Why not help out a friend who is making bad choices with men instead of gossiping about them and judging them...if you've been successful at overcoming this offer your methods to success. Why not offer your resources or connects to someone in search of new opportunities...why can't you share your story to success. Is it because we don’t want the other female to become better than us or live a better life than us, become more successful than us?? I think that is the case. So I actually do offer resources, motivation, and anything I can help with...I’d be a selfish person not to help others succeed if I can.  Why not use my experience to help push them along to fulfill their goals...and that's how I hope some women begin to think.  I've been that girl that didn't have a strong support system behind me but I pushed through life the best I could by being my own biggest supporters...maybe that's why I don't want others to go through that and actually have people there for them.

Does anyone else think this is still a “man’s world”? yet another reason for women to support one another! I enjoyed listening to Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's video on gender- “We Should All Be Feminists”

I Hold The Pen

Marriage:

The biggest question I always get is “When are you going to get married” and my answer is “When we choose to, chill out”.  Yes we’ve been together for 10 years BUT some people forget we started dating when we were 15 years old!!! But not only that, we’re happy the way we are and it’s working for us so why rush into something when we know we're both working on a few things. Some people rush into marriage because of peer pressure or because it’s the “right” thing to do after being together a certain amount of years but I disagree.  There’s a lot more to marriage than a wedding! Did you know that the average cost of a wedding in the US today is $23,000 AND 50% of those weddings end in divorce! That is one of the many reasons it's so important to invest in your marriage...not just your wedding!! Build a strong marriage. Sometimes I feel people are more interested in pushing the wedding than supporting the actual marriage. And yes, what girl doesn’t want to get married?!? I use to dream of big weddings since I was little girl but that quickly changed as I grew up. I don’t see myself spending all my money on other people…sorry if that sounds selfish but its true!  Sometimes people spend sooo much money on a “day” & then wish they had done it differently. Your wedding day should be about you two, not everyone else. I can’t deny David Tutera is one of my FAVE shows and his weddings are just to die for (if he could do mine of course I’d let him lol) BUT if you don’t have money like that I don’t see the point in overspending.  More importantly if you don’t have 200 people that have genuinely been there when it mattered most in your lives why are there 200 people at your wedding? Let me be clear and say I don’t have a problem at all spending money on those who’ve truly been there for me/him/us, but sometimes I hear people inviting guests just because they want a big wedding or just because they “know” that person and to me that’s so crazy!!  Your guests shouldn’t need to be impressed by one day, they should be there to celebrate in whatever way you choose to do so and they should be people that really care about you.  Your wedding guest should be impressed and supportive of your relationship…and in the past 10 years people have come and go, just because we know you don’t mean you’ll be at the wedding, so if that was the main reason you want us married I'm sorry to crush your bubble.  My wedding will be small but SPECIAL! I’d really love to have it outside the United States on a beautiful beach followed by a small reception with the people closest to us.  Most of the money we spend on a wedding I’d like to be spent on the rings and the honeymoon, because the rings are an important symbol/meaning we will wear each and every day of our lives and the honeymoon is just another great opportunity for quality time with each other, new adventures, and lasting memories that I'll cherish forever.  But more than anything in the world my wedding day would be the best if my most important guest is in attendance- my mom!

Family:

Almost same views as marriage…the kids will come when we choose to do so.  Just because everyone else is having kids or other people think we’re ready b/c we’ve had a 10 year relationship doesn’t mean anything to us.  You can never quite be as prepared for a kid as you would like but I believe you can be better prepared than you were yesterday.  There are a lot of changes going on in our personal lives and some adjustments we’d like to make so it wouldn’t be the smartest idea for us right now. I’m struggling with a lot more stress than normal and it would not be healthy for me to out more stress on my body physically and mentally by carrying a child when I’m not doing well myself.  Some people have even told me I’m getting old b/c I’m 26 now but I’m not worried about my age…if it happens it happens and if not we could always consider adopting.  Sometimes I wonder why people are so pushy about us having kids...do they genuinely want to see us build a family, do they just want to be nosey and see what our kids would look like...it’s just fascinating to me how much this subject is pushed on us. Looking back now, given what my mom is going through, I would’ve loved to already had children so they could meet their grandma…something that tears me up inside! I pray and pray that God will allow my mom to be here when I have kids. I even thought about rushing into it just to increase my chances of her still being here but I had to step back and realize it's not the smartest decision.  Sometimes we forget that we need to be happy with ourselves before we’re able to make others happy…which include your kids.  I’ll admit, I don’t think I’m in the best position to have kids right now.  Even though I think that being a mother would bring me so much more joy right now (because I see how much happiness my niece brings me) I know it won’t fix everything going on. But if it were all up to Dee we’d have a child by now lol….I’m just thankful he thinks about the bigger picture with me and not just for the moment. So yea, you can blame me lol.

Career:

I graduated with a Business Administration degree and a Human Resource concentration in 2010.  I already had a job lined up 3 days before graduation, graduated on a Friday and started work Monday!  Everything seemed to be on track for my HR career and it was really my only job interest but that has started changing now.  Sometimes you go through stuff in life that will unexpectedly alter your interests in the least expected areas…like your career.  I always knew that I would be happiest in a position where I’m able to help others in some way.  Working in HR the past 4 years seem to have been fulfilling for me since I’m helping others find employment, which is a big part of everyone’s lives.  But my desire to help others has slowly shifted by becoming greater and I want to have a bigger presence and bigger impact on others, a more hands on approach and a lot more interaction with whatever service I provide.  So I’m in the middle of finding that “job” to fulfill my new interests…it could potentially be another HR role where I’m able to have more of an impact than I do now.  But I also won’t rule out the chances that my next career move could be in a position I had never considered.  I know what makes me happy, but I just don’t know what the exact job is that I’m in search of!  Perhaps working for a non-profit, event coordinator, travel/tourism, or something with a positive impact on women, children, or the cancer community…like I said I just don’t know exactly what job I’m searching for.  But in the mean time I plan on volunteering with various programs and companies in hopes that it will lead me in the right direction, if nothing else I’m still getting that chance to help others while volunteering. I know it sounds like I don’t even have a clue of what I want to do but in my heart I do know and eventually I will find it. This desire is in my heart for a reason!

At the end of the day it's much more important to live your life for yourself, not for others!! Live life according to your strategies, it's easier and will make you happier! Don't compare yourself, your struggles or your blessings to others and never try to live a life to impress others. You're not really free until you're free from trying to please everybody except HIM!! I read this scripture last night that really stuck with me so I wanted to share it with you as well: