When It's Just Too Much

Sitting here waiting on my mom to finish a procedure and just thinking as usual.

So yesterday at 9am I went to have my annual exam completed not expecting to be referred to a counselor since I was just there to see a GYN....but that was just another clear sign for me that I can't continue being superwoman. My GYN could tell by looking into my eyes that I'm going through a lot, Sunday a church member prayed with me and said the same thing "baby I can see the hurt in your eyes" and yesterday two people told me I need to make sure to give myself some time b/c they could tell I'm just not myself....all these comments this week were nothing but reassurance of something I had been contemplating the past few weeks...this is just more than I can handle and there's nothing wrong with having a counselor to help me through it.  I'd rather do that than be in over my head, I know I have a bright future ahead because we all do!

You never really know the toll certain circumstances can take on you until you are put in those situations.  It's easy to speculate how you would handle something but its much more different when you really have to go through it.  That's why we should always encourage one another and listen to one another. Don't judge how people handle specific situations based on what you would do, because half of the time you haven't been in that person's shoes and everybody can't handle the same situation the same way...people handle different things better than others. I pray all the time and I think there are resources here that can go hand in hand with prayer to help. There's nothing to be ashamed of by asking for help, instead you should view this as another step of your growth and life.  Stressing for too long and having it build and build and build is just not a healthy way to live....regardless of how big or small the situation/situations.

I'm looking forward to working on overcoming a few struggles without trying to figure it all out myself.  It's good to have someone who'll give you unbiased advice/opinions and sometimes you can't get that from family and friends. Going through certain things myself now has opened up my mind and my eyes. You just never know what others go through...people share a lot on social media and carry themselves a certain way but that doesn't mean you know them and even a bigger reason not to judge a book by its cover.  It's important to have genuine people in your circle that care about you and that you're comfortable talking to about anything, we all need those type of people.  I don't share things for attention or sympathy, I started blogging to hopefully help others. People won't always find it easy to be open with you and but if you're going through a lot don't worry because you're not alone and I hope this shed some light for others.

As I sit here waiting on my mom to come out of a procedure I ask that everyone please pray that the images the doctors saw yesterday of her esophagus is not additional cancer and that it's something else they can treat easily so she can bounce back from these tough past 6 weeks.

Life’s Tough But I’m Tougher!

If you follow me on social media like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc. you’ll see that I tend to focus on the positive, that’s just how I am. I don’t try to put up a front like everything in my life is perfect but I also won’t dwell on the negative, it’s not healthy and gets you nowhere! It’s not a cover up it’s just that I’ve chosen to express myself on those sites through my positive thoughts, the people I love, things I enjoy doing, etc. instead of what’s always going wrong. I have friends I can discuss those issues with because I know they genuinely care or I simply reflect by myself. These sites aren’t the place to air out everything but some people do which is ok but it’s not what I do. On social sites you open up doors to “appear” weak to people who know nothing more about you than what’s on your pages and honestly some people could care less what your problems are or may even receive satisfaction in seeing you at your lows. When I think of social media I think of a place for sharing ideas, pictures, networking, and socializing...not “Oprah” stories, not a place we seek advice from out of a list of hundreds of "friends" that we don't even talk to on a consistent basis. There’s nothing wrong with posting about a bad day, we all have our struggles, but it should not be the constant topic and/or it should be delivered in an empowering way. So I challenge you to be more positive in your postings and in your everyday life, we’re all going to experience some sort of struggle at some point and sometimes it will feel like that's all you experience but don’t let it define who you are!

I’ve had my fair share of unfortunate turn of events and I could very easily bombard everyone’s news feed with my sob stories but I won’t. I’ve got 2 blogs that I use to address my “downs” when I feel like writing about them because it's become one of my stress relievers, it's more personable for sharing certain topics than the other sites. These days my mind constantly overflows with an infinite array of thoughts, worries, confusion, decisions, and randomness so writing really does help me. I’ve learned that at the end of the day I have to be my own biggest supporter and I think that’s the best way to be. Yes we all want our family, friends, and significant other there for us but if they can’t be (for whatever reason) it’s important to learn to depend on yourself, you know what’s best for you and nobody else has the power of really knowing but you! Sometimes others may not know HOW to be there for you, and it’s not their fault but you’re going to feel that way because only you really know how to handle yourself through certain situations.

This picture is one of my daily reminders to keep pushing through the rough days, lately there have been many so I turn to any and everything that will help me remain optimistic. Some people may get tired of all the optimism you show but that’s ok, that shouldn't stop you from continuing to think that way. Never let other people’s opinions influence what you know is right for you; you’re not here to please others. Oddly enough I’ve learned to smile more at others these days, it’s not to deceive anyone but rather my effort of remaining strong and trying to keep it together even though inside I feel everything falling apart. Sometimes I’m a girl with a heavy heart, a messy soul, and a reckless mind...I’m still guilty of complaining about life not going as I envisioned it but I choose not to carry myself that way because I’m trying to have a better understanding that ANY struggle we have is intended to strengthen us. There will be blessings on the other side of the storm, strength comes from your journey and that’s something else I have to remind myself of when I’m down. I know that I should thank God for not only my successes but my struggles as well. Life is tough but you have to learn to be tougher…and also have FAITH!! Remaining positive through life’s struggles is not easy without HIM. I leave you with the below quote and article:

“When you stand and share your story in an empowering way, your story will heal you and your story will heal somebody else”  – Iyanla Vanzant

How Strong Is Your Faith?

http://www.joycemeyer.org/articles/ea.aspx?article=how_strong_is_your_faith

~StateOfBeauty
~Learn to see the beauty in imperfection~

45lbs Less & Many Smiles Later

I started focusing on my weight in late October 2012 and by December 2012 I had lost 20 lbs. The results motivated me even more so I pushed through 2 more months and lost 10 more lbs…the other 15 lbs slowly came off throughout 2013. So don’t give up if you don’t reach your goal immediately, you’ll get there at our own pace. 2013 was a tough year to get me motivated but I’ve lost 45 pounds and I’m almost 100% happy with my new body. Now I actually miss working out if I go too long without it…never thought that would happen lol.

People always ask me how I lost my weight so here it is. I’m not an expert by any means and some of you might not even believe/agree the simple changes I made helped me but they did. After struggling with my increasing weight for about 5 years I realized sometimes it was more of a mind thing and it’s not going to work until you’re ready. I was determined to stop the madness, I knew I was being lazy and not taking care of myself the way I was capable of doing. Essentially it came down to 3 things for me: mindful eating, exercise, and dedication. I’m much happier with my body now and in my mom was a big motivation.  She always use to tell me I needed to lose weight because “this isn’t you” and she was right, I was so miserable with my image at 205 lbs (yes I weighed that much and that’s what finally hit me) but now she tells me I don’t need to lose anymore- mission accomplished mommy!

Mindful Eating: It definitely boiled down to PORTION CONTROL for me! I decided not to keep eating the same amounts I was use to and it’s made a difference...now it’s as if my stomach is trained not to eat a lot. I’ll be honest though, I still eat what I want because I’m a picky eater and don’t like a lot of the “healthy” food, especially veggies.  So in addition to cutting my portions down, I did make a lot of food substitutions. A few examples: ground turkey vs ground beef, greek yogurt vs sour cream, low fat dairy, low fat snacks, wheat vs white, grilled vs fried, drinking more water, and eating more fruits as snacks throughout the day.  There were some things I'd already stopped eating in the past like chips, soda, donuts/honey buns, and anything extremely high in fat/calories that I can live without. I’m so glad I’m not a "sweets" person or big on chocolate or desserts because that’s been helpful. But every now and then I do get the urge to grab a nice cold soda and I will without feeling any guilt because it’s in moderation. But I honestly won’t eat a doughnut or honey bun, lol...it’s just loaded! I do track my food as much as I can using the app My FitnessPal and I recommend it if you’re starting off because you’ll realize how much you’re over eating, it was a big eye opener to me. This year I plan to eat less at restaurants and eat more at home, cooking  is always better than eating out..gotta work on that.

Exercise: Hmmm, through college I was such a slacker when it came to exercise.  Instead of using my “free” time productively I’d always be laying around being lazy lol. So now that I do workout (I aim for 3-4 times/week) I recommend you try fitness classes b/c they generally burn hundreds of calories and are more fun than working out alone. Some of my favorites are- Zumba, Boot Camp, Kickboxing, Aerobic/Step, Circuit Training, CrossFit and any high intensity class. Yes they will be pretty tough the first few times but don’t worry, the more you go the easier it gets, don’t let the soreness stop you! Fitness classes are the main reason I joined my gym because they're included in my membership. If I don’t go to a class I’ll use the gym for 2 cardio workouts- running on the treadmill or using the Stairmaster.  I’m not a big fan of the ellipticals or bicycles...sorry but I feel like you burn way more calories on the other two.  I do cardio for about 30 minutes then I use the next 20-30 minutes on weights to workout my legs, butt, stomach and arms and then I'm finished :-)  I do run outdoors instead of the treadmill when the weather is warm and I highly recommend it vs a treadmill...but I don’t run outdoors in the winter lol, so for now treadmill it is.  If you don’t have a gym membership you don’t have to get one...try looking up workouts on Youtube, Pinterest, and even apps on your phone.  This year I’ve set a goal of running at least 5 different 5Ks, I know that will help me stay motivated and active this year. So maybe you could help yourself by setting goals that will help you stay active :-)

Dedication: After I started fitting my old clothes and into smaller sizes I no longer relied on the scale to confirm my weight loss. I immediately started feeling better inside and out, I felt more confident with myself, and I felt a sense of accomplishment. So I decided to keep my focus on being healthy and not just losing pounds. I knew what I really needed was a LIFESTYLE change, not just for my image and not just for a temporary fix. By the time my mom was diagnosed with cancer I had already lost 30 lbs…halfway through 2013 I realized how well her body tolerated her surgery and chemo treatments which I credit the fact that she was an overall healthy woman.  We never know what life will throw our way and I’ve chosen to live as healthy as I can for my body. Some patients aren’t as lucky when they’re diagnosed with an illness, they might have to fight several illnesses at the same time but luckily for my mom she was not a smoker or drinker, she ate healthy, and for the past 8 years always made time to head to the gym.  I’ve been looking forward to my mom getting better so she can go back to the gym and we can be workout buddies! 

There are many many benefits of living a healthier lifestyle, it’s not just about the way you look, there is much more you will get in return.  Remember you don’t have to make drastic changes, step by step you will get there at your own pace. Just don’t give up and do what works for you!  Feel free to follow my inspiration posts at my Tumblr page at www.stateofbeauty25.tumblr.com/ or click the tab at the top of this page called "Life & Fitness".

~StateOfBeauty
~Learn to see the beauty in imperfection~

Reminiscing

Reminiscing today and decided to share a few of what I considered bad experiences, that looking back now actually were good ones.

The Best Parents

I didn’t have the luxury of being fed with a silver spoon as they say. Believe it or not I’ve always had to work for what I want, something I’ll always be grateful my parents taught me at an early age.  Yea it would have been nice to have allowances for chores, money for good grades, all the latest clothes, endless amounts of shoes, all the latest electronics, etc. but I actually learned more by not having all that.  Neither of my parents graduated from high school, they started working at an early age and always managed to provide for my brother and I with the necessities.  Luckily my dad is very smart financially, early on he didn't make a lot of money and he’d always save as much as possible because he always had his eye on a better future for his family, not on competing with others to see who has the better car or better wardrobe, etc.  My dad was lucky enough to have a strong support system from my mom who together are undeniably a power couple in my eyes.  You would never know without looking at their salaries who made more because they both provided equally to the best of their ability.  We grew up most of our young childhood life in an apartment, then when we first moved to NC we lived in a trailer for some years, and eventually moved into our first home.  My parents have been a huge factor in molding me into the responsible and independent woman I am today!  Had we not gone through what we did top get to where we are I may not be as humble as I am.  I'm able to value a family sticking together, hard work, and determination with a different mindset and what that will for sure get me far in life.  Having the finer things in life won't always get you far. 

The Worst School Years

I think I’ve always been more mature for my age than others.  6^th and 7^th grade taught me a lot about myself & they were also my least favorite years! There was so much teasing for so many reasons: bad acne, being Hispanic, not having an extensive wardrobe, living in a trailer and many hurtful rumors spread just because a lot of the guys liked me.  I was still a shy and generally quiet girl who just kept to myself (most people were mean to me) and so I gravitated more to male friends because they weren’t so drama filled like the girls. Plus I’ve always had a little tom boy in me so I liked playing outdoors and in the gym but the other girls would all just sit and gossip about everyone….that was never really my scene so I’d kinda became an outcast with girls. The girls would make up horrible & the craziest rumors about me.  I’d always be asked “what are you” and when I’d reply “Hispanic” they’d just call me Mexican and start all the Mexican jokes/stereotype...ignorance at its best.  I had real bad acne in 7^th grade, I blame puberty lol.   People would call me “trailer park trash” just because I lived in a trailer…but that’s what my parents could afford at the time.  I also remember some of my so called friends coming up with a song about me to the tune of “Mary Had A Little Lamb” called “Evy Likes Her Skin Tight Pants”.  So I use to have a pair of real comfy black pants that I wore often….what they didn’t realize was that everyone is not blessed with extensive wardrobes.  I didn’t own many pieces of clothing and shoes back then and I never cared until everyone started making a big deal about it but I realized I had what my parents could afford at the time.  I never tried to be the “popular” girl because if people were going to genuinely like me for who I am they would spend the time getting to know me themselves.  But I never let it phase me because I knew my story behind why things were the way they were. Sometimes we need to realize there’s no need for explanations because people still won’t care when they want to be malicious.  But eventually they stopped teasing me and realized their antics & words never fazed me one bit, I guess they realized they couldn't break me and I wouldn’t give in, they didn't matter in my life.  And who would’ve thought the same girl who used to get hammered for wearing the same stuff would get “Best Dressed” the very next year lol.  

That same girl is always being complimented left and right these days!! She has become more confident in herself and never lets others break her.  The same parents that couldn’t afford to get her the materialistic items that she thought she was missing out on as a kid paid her entire college tuition in cash and even bought her a car in cash before going to college.  I called it being blessed with great parents who had their eye on my future, I never have school or car loans and could focus on getting my future together. But others who don’t know my past call it “spoiled”. Honestly, I think they just don’t know the real definition of “spoil":

-        - to damage severely or harm, esp. with reference to its excellence, value, usefulness

-        - to diminish or impair the quality of; affect detrimentally

-        - to impair, damage, or harm the character or nature of (someone) by unwise treatment, excessive indulgence, etc.

My parents never harmed my excellence or value, what they did do was help  They enhanced my quality and my character by spoiling me with LOVE and not the materialistic things!

make me more valuable by the lessons they taught me early on.

People tend to judge me by their perception or should I say misconception about me, it happens to all of us.  Just remember nobody knows what you’ve really been through to get where you are today if they don't know you and it’s sad that people still continue to misjudge others for no real reason other than having an immature mindset.  I’ve come a long way, I’m proud of who I am today, where I’m at, and where I’m headed.  I hope this helps other young ladies to realize you don’t need anyone’s approval about yourself or your decisions, do what you know is best for you.  Embrace any struggles you went through or will go through, whether you think they’re big or small struggles you will always learn something valuable from them. Your past does not define your future!

~StateOfBeauty
~Learn to see the beauty in imperfection~

Love, Faith, Hope, Courage, Determination: Her Fight

Yesterday was one of those tough days but I remind myself that I have to stop dwelling on my lows. It's a new day and I'm ready to keep moving forward with my mom and her courageous fight!!

We had to take my mom to the ER on Sunday because she was having a lot of pain in her right side that got worse each day.  I'm so glad we went without waiting another day because little did we know the doctors would find a blood clot right under one of her lungs.  The pain she's having though is due to one of her tumors near her liver that has enlarged but we weren't expecting to also find a blood clot.  Thankfully it was found early enough to where it had not spread and she is receiving a blood thinning treatment to help.  So not only are we working on the blood clot concern but there's still another very concerning issue at hand and that's the enlarged tumor that is pressing against other organs.  My mom has various cancer tumors throughout her stomach area and unfortunately the latest chemo treatments have resulted in only a mixed response--meaning some tumors were stable, some decreased in size, and one increased in size.  The best results would've been for all her tumors to decrease in size which would mean the chemo is working.  But due to a mixed response we'll have to have some discussions with the doctors in GA to see if she should continue a few more rounds of the same chemo, add another chemo drug to the current combo, or try something completely new....far from easy choices for my mom and the family because none of these can guarantee a successful response.  At least her GA doctor is remaining HOPEFUL!!

On the other hand, my mom's doctors at Duke have always given up so easy, I never understood it and it's so disheartening and disappointing because there are still other drugs my mom can try.....we have nothing to lose by TRYING but we have everything to lose by NOT TRYING anything.  The harsh reality is that if she's not receiving a treatment we could lose her in a matter of months (at least that what her Duke doctors say).  So it's very hard to wrap my head around why they would tell my mom to consider stopping treatment and just "enjoy life"....how can someone enjoy life when they'll have tumors growing aggressively and rapidly without treatment which will only result in more pain for her?!?  The doctors at Duke made it clear that if the tumors can't be stopped from growing their best guess at my mom's life expectancy would be just months...tough words to listen to.  But my mom made it clear she wants to fight and extend her life as much as possible and I'm not giving up either, it's not in me to give up so easily just because someone in a white coat thinks it's the best choice.  I can't lose hope because of HIM and until HE says it's time for my mom to go I refuse to let others tell me otherwise!!

She's approaching a year of this fight, she's fought through 14 rounds of chemo so far plus numerous hospital visits,  yet even on her weakest days she never loses one bit of fight in her.  She LOVES her family & that's what fuels her fight, I always try to encourage her at all times to never lose FAITH and HOPE because she's has so much COURAGE and DETERMINATION to stop now.  I'm blessed with a beautiful mom to look up to; she has no idea the woman she continues to mold me into.  Her fight is so inspiring & that's what helps me smile through it all. Everything will be ok mom and I'm right by your side fighting with you and guess what....so is HE, I know it.
"From where I'm standing, Lord, it's so hard to see where this is going & where you're leading me. I wish I knew all my fears & all my questions are going to play out in a world I can't control but I'm trusting you each and every day no matter what comes my way I know you're with me.  I'm not afraid of tomorrow because I know you're already there. --Amen"

~StateOfBeauty
~Learn to see the beauty in imperfection~

2014: My Year of Letting Go

...continued

In 2014 I've got to learn how to let go!! My 3 goals moving forward are: to become closer to God, be happy, and be comfortable in my skin.  The only way I can accomplish each of those is by letting go of the past and letting go of what's not in my control.  

So here I am on my final 2013 reflection and all it really did was shape me and prepare me for the future.  I can't keep dwelling on the past and neither should any of you, it's not healthy and it gets you nowhere...instead it causes mountains of frustrations, sadness, disappointment, and negativity.  There will be certain chapters in your book of life that will get you down but we won't always be down, God won't allow your entire story to be a struggle and I've been guilty of forgetting that sometimes.  I have to give many many thanks to one of my BFFs for re-introducing God back into my life, and I day "re-introduce" because I've always believed in Him but I never seeked him until she invited me to church with her in late 2012, it was exactly one of the pieces missing from my life.  There's nothing more soothing to my heart than to hear about all the wonderful things He can do.  I try my best to go to church frequently, the words I hear on Sundays never fail me and I'm always amazed at how uplifting it is for me.  It's funny how life works out though because little did I know that Margaret's simple invitation to church would help me mentally to prep for my mother's news that we received a couple months later. It's still really difficult for me to deal with what my mom is going through but I can honestly say it would've probably been 10 times worse had I not made the decision in advance to prep my heart, mind, and soul to know God. I don't know how I would've dealt with this and everything that snowballed along with it.  

So instead what I'll be doing is LOVING MYSELF MORE!!  We get so caught up in life that we forget about the most important person-YOU....you're the only one with your voice, your mind, your story and your vision!  I'm moving forward with a happy spirit each day because I know things will work out for me.  I'm going to focus on myself a lot more this year which will lead me to being more comfortable in my skin-- mentally and physically. I look forward to taking more time to volunteer to causes that are important to me because in my eyes the real meaning of success is when you're able to help others...even through your own storm. As I stated in my last post, I thought I had it all figured out even my career but that's also changed now.  I really like working in Human Resource but I hope to find a job I LOVE in 2014.  I want to love my job, not just like it.  It has to mean more than just a paycheck and I'd love to be working to help others because that's what makes me happy. We all know money can't buy happiness right, so why not pursue what makes you happy?!  I challenge you to wake up each morning with a happy spirit and see what changes occur. If you want change in your life start with yourself and everything else will fall into place. 

StateOfBeauty Wants To Know:
What are you willing to work on about yourself in 2014?
What are you looking forward to most?
How will you make yourself happy?
(if you don't see "comments" below just click on the title of this post and then you should be able to see the "comment" section at the end)

I look forward to what you guys have to say!!


~StateOfBeauty
~Learn to see the beauty in imperfection~