The Sad Reality

Well my mom has been heavy on my heart so here I am just writing how I feel. I miss her terribly and it’s tough facing the harsh reality of how my life will never be the same again. Yes I’m strong (for the most part) and maybe stronger than others in a situation like this but my outside doesn’t match the immense feelings I have inside. Plus there are many reasons why I can hold such composure that’s unexplainable to others.  I may not appear sad and distraught but this is truly another kind of sadness for me, one that doesn’t always trigger me to cry but instead overwhelms me by leaving my heart aching and my stomach empty.  It’s a sadness that I can’t escape, it’s even in my dreams too and it’s scary when I think about it. When people pass me by and ask me how I’m doing I smile and say “ok, fine, hanging in there” when really I’m not ok, not fine, and barely there. But how do I even begin to tell them everything that’s really wrong within a brief passing conversation. It’s not that I want to “appear” strong to them but something of this magnitude requires a sit down conversation or a phone call to allow me to open up to you and until then I may never really open up because there’s nothing brief about how I feel and what I’m going through.

I thought I had prepared myself for what was to come with my mom because unfortunately at the rate things were going I knew this day would come sooner than we ever imagined. Never in a million years had I thought my mom wouldn’t be there for my wedding day or to meet my kids and the many many more things we won’t experience together. I miss her smile, her voice, physically seeing her, her hugs, her sarcastic remarks, her laugh, her cooking, her “good morning” texts I received EVERY single morning, calling her during or after my lunch break each day, her nightly phone calls because we would talk every night I was not at home, I miss giving her a hug and kiss goodbye before leaving to go to work each morning, I miss coming home from work and seeing her in the kitchen as soon as I walked in the door, and of course the list is endless…nothing will ever be the same again.

“It will get easier” “Give it time” “Everything happens for a reason”….hearing this won’t help nor change how I feel. Time will not heal the pain of losing someone who embodied so many things for me ~mom, best friend, biggest supporter, idol, my heart, my world~ I feel like I lost multiple people all at the same moment because she wasn’t just my mom. The more time passes the more I miss her and I know there will be more days coming up that I’ll keep missing her. I can easily say that our relationship was flawless, it was beautiful, genuine, full of happiness and laughter together, and one that I highly doubt I can ever experience again, it was unique and full of endless love for one another…but it ended way too soon L The only thing time is doing is forcing me to make room for all this pain, grief, and never-ending wishes to have my mom here today, tomorrow, and many many more days to come. I don’t think I’ll ever get over this, I’ll just have to go through it and it’s not going to get better because everything is always going to be different every day now and I’ll have to find ways to deal with it because I can’t change the circumstance.

Well I didn’t want to make this seem like such an upsetting posting but this is what’s on my mind right now.  I’ll continue to push through and do all I can to continue making my mommy as proud as I can. Many of my tears start as memories but they quickly change to sadness, pain, frustration, and every other emotion you can think of. I know that the pain I experienced through your battle, the pain I'm experiencing from your loss and the pain I will continue to have has changed me and will continue to change me throughout life.  I just pray it will be a change for the better.

LOVE AND MISS YOU BEYOND WORDS!!!