RELAX...it's just Facebook :-)

From Kimberly Jones-Pothier: The enemy loves to distract us with that ugly offense spirit. He can't mess with you physically or even take things away from you, because he's not capable, where he gets you, is in your mind. If he sees a crack in a doorway of your life, he's going to create havoc in your life. Pay attention to your heart posture. Don't jump to conclusions, getting mad at someone when you don't have all of your facts straight. An ugly heart will block your blessings. Communication KILLS assumption.

 

Example: getting mad at people that delete you. Facebook has glitches, people get unfriended often without people being aware. Relax…It's just Facebook!

Example: seeing someone's status update and assuming they are talking about you. Relax…They probably aren't even thinking about you.

Example: seeing one of your friends liking one of your "use to be friends" status updates. Feeling like they are choosing them over you. Relax…Just because you don't like them don't mean they don't have to like them.

Example: seeing that “church gossip” from your church preaching about exactly what she does on Facebook. Relax...Maybe God's doing a work in her heart. Maybe she's preaching to herself!

Example: seeing pictures of a bunch of your friends who went out without you and you got no invitation. Relax…Maybe it was a last minute decision and they all invited themselves and didn't need a formal invite.

Example: thinking a person changed because they don't give you the attention they use too. Relax…Maybe their lives have gotten so busy that they're still trying to figure out how to juggle it all. Or maybe they're in their own storm and it has nothing to do with you. They just choose to not be down and out in public.

Example: getting offended when people you know don't ever "like" your Facebook status. Relax...Maybe they don't want 1000 notifications. Just do you!

Example: seeing that person you went on a date with who promised you they would text you the next day and they haven't, but yet they are on all their social media pages. Relax…They just aren't that into you. Rejection is God's protection!

 

Social Media: Good, Bad & Ugly

So I’ve already written about social media briefly in a February entry called “Women vs Women; Let’s Stop” but it’s been a common topic in my conversations this week so it sparked the idea to write about it again and head in a different direction. 

Good- The positive things I see are that you’re able to connect with friends, browse through photo albums at your leisure, network with others, promote your business, seek suggestions and recommendations for services/products/restaurants, advocate awareness/positivity/important causes, sell/buy items, congratulate others on life events/accomplishments, keep in touch with long distance family, befriend positive role models, be in the loop about events, etc. I love seeing other people post about new careers, marriages, starting a new family, and just the goodness that occurs for others! Social media can be a very useful tool & it has been for me but it can definitely become negative too. It all depends on the USER!!  So personally I’ve never really viewed it in a negative way BUT there are people who’ve given social media a bad rep.

Bad- When people start using social media to bicker, argue in public, talk about each other, post offensive/vulgar videos, etc that’s not good use of it.  I’ve had to delete many people because there were offensive things or comments being made that I didn’t want to see! I think people forget that they are the ones choosing what they see, so instead of complaining about it take control of it and determine what stays and goes on your pages! In fact, I feel social media has altered our means of communication. It’s rare that people “talk” about their problems face to face or even by phone these days because we’ve all been consumed with technology (social media, text, emails, etc). Some people get so dependent on social media they will wait on a status to let them know what’s going on with their family or friends versus periodically checking in or talking. People are becoming more and more consumed in the social media life, spending too much time on it, posting everything that goes on with them or letting themselves feed into what others are posting and that’s not healthy for the mind. My recommendation is that if you don’t know how to balance or separate the internet world from reality than it’s best to take a few steps back.  You’re in control 24/7 about what you choose to read and you determine how you “think” about it.  Realize that it’s simply social media -- a way people express themselves and choose what they share with others so don’t confuse it with real life, it can cloud your views on others if YOU ALLOW IT. In my opinion social media can’t portray who somebody is, there’s a lot more to everyone than what they choose to share.  Why would anyone want to share EVERYTHING about them online anyways?!?

Take me for example- I’m guarded about my personal life (good & bad) so the “media world” is not the best way to get to know me.  I value genuine relationships, my family & friends so those are the people who know the most…the “world” can’t because they’re simply watching what I’ve chosen to put out. If I would’ve never posted anything about my mother having cancer or passing there would be so many people that would still not know to this day!!  When my mother was diagnosed I emailed everyone before and when she passed I text everyone that was important to me BEFORE I ever put it on Facebook! I’ve always been the type of person that would want my friends and family to know about certain things about me personally before I ever let my audience in on it. For example: baby, marriage, moving, new job, etc…by the time I’ve posted news like that my friends already know because we carry relationships outside of social media. They understand my posts without any misinterpretation because they truly know me. So when I try to pull a slick one like “engaged” they won’t ever fall for it b/c they would’ve know first…I tried it LOL.

We’re all guilty of assumptions at some point though, I know I am, but I’ve learned shift my thinking so that I’m no longer assuming b/c majority of the time that’s just a lack of understanding. Just because someone chooses to post mainly about their travels doesn’t mean all they do is stay on the road, just because someone post about their work life doesn’t mean all they care about is work, just because someone post about fitness doesn’t mean that’s all they do or care about, just because someone posts about going to the club on weekends doesn’t mean that’s the only thing they’re about, and just because someone always post negative/positive stuff doesn’t mean they don’t have their life together or that they got it all together!

Ugly- If it gets to the ugly stage than it’s just time to let it go! When you lose your job, husband/wife, friends, etc over social media it’s really not worth it. People don’t realize how big of an affect social media has become and yes it will cost you your job, I’ve been a witness to it many times. I guess people just don’t care what they post or just aren’t mindful that it’s there for EVERYONE to see…even if your page is private! Just because you have 500+ Facebook “friends” doesn’t mean they’re all your friends & you certainly aren’t going to remember who is in your list the next time you post something plus you never know what other people’s intentions are when you open yourself up to that many people. I’ve heard of people losing their loved one/friends over a “status”, “like”, or “comment” and that’s crazy! It’s not healthy for a person to let social media dictate their relationship, friendship, way of thinking, life etc. Be mindful of what you put out there and ALSO of how you take in what you’re reading. Social media can affect your mental health- one study shows that 50% said using Facebook and Twitter makes their lives worse because their self esteem suffers when they compare their own accomplishments to those of their online friends...WOW!! So don’t over consume your mind with what you see. What you may not realize you're doing to yourself is creating problems in your mind that aren’t even really there all because you have assumptions or you’re letting others influence you.

But I'd like to wrap it up with the GOOD because that's why I'm still on social media :-) I follow some great people and this person happened to post something so fitting to all of this.  So as Kimberly Jones-Pothier said “Communication KILLS assumption”. Read the next blog to see what she had to say!

The Sad Reality

Well my mom has been heavy on my heart so here I am just writing how I feel. I miss her terribly and it’s tough facing the harsh reality of how my life will never be the same again. Yes I’m strong (for the most part) and maybe stronger than others in a situation like this but my outside doesn’t match the immense feelings I have inside. Plus there are many reasons why I can hold such composure that’s unexplainable to others.  I may not appear sad and distraught but this is truly another kind of sadness for me, one that doesn’t always trigger me to cry but instead overwhelms me by leaving my heart aching and my stomach empty.  It’s a sadness that I can’t escape, it’s even in my dreams too and it’s scary when I think about it. When people pass me by and ask me how I’m doing I smile and say “ok, fine, hanging in there” when really I’m not ok, not fine, and barely there. But how do I even begin to tell them everything that’s really wrong within a brief passing conversation. It’s not that I want to “appear” strong to them but something of this magnitude requires a sit down conversation or a phone call to allow me to open up to you and until then I may never really open up because there’s nothing brief about how I feel and what I’m going through.

I thought I had prepared myself for what was to come with my mom because unfortunately at the rate things were going I knew this day would come sooner than we ever imagined. Never in a million years had I thought my mom wouldn’t be there for my wedding day or to meet my kids and the many many more things we won’t experience together. I miss her smile, her voice, physically seeing her, her hugs, her sarcastic remarks, her laugh, her cooking, her “good morning” texts I received EVERY single morning, calling her during or after my lunch break each day, her nightly phone calls because we would talk every night I was not at home, I miss giving her a hug and kiss goodbye before leaving to go to work each morning, I miss coming home from work and seeing her in the kitchen as soon as I walked in the door, and of course the list is endless…nothing will ever be the same again.

“It will get easier” “Give it time” “Everything happens for a reason”….hearing this won’t help nor change how I feel. Time will not heal the pain of losing someone who embodied so many things for me ~mom, best friend, biggest supporter, idol, my heart, my world~ I feel like I lost multiple people all at the same moment because she wasn’t just my mom. The more time passes the more I miss her and I know there will be more days coming up that I’ll keep missing her. I can easily say that our relationship was flawless, it was beautiful, genuine, full of happiness and laughter together, and one that I highly doubt I can ever experience again, it was unique and full of endless love for one another…but it ended way too soon L The only thing time is doing is forcing me to make room for all this pain, grief, and never-ending wishes to have my mom here today, tomorrow, and many many more days to come. I don’t think I’ll ever get over this, I’ll just have to go through it and it’s not going to get better because everything is always going to be different every day now and I’ll have to find ways to deal with it because I can’t change the circumstance.

Well I didn’t want to make this seem like such an upsetting posting but this is what’s on my mind right now.  I’ll continue to push through and do all I can to continue making my mommy as proud as I can. Many of my tears start as memories but they quickly change to sadness, pain, frustration, and every other emotion you can think of. I know that the pain I experienced through your battle, the pain I'm experiencing from your loss and the pain I will continue to have has changed me and will continue to change me throughout life.  I just pray it will be a change for the better.

LOVE AND MISS YOU BEYOND WORDS!!!

Rest In Paradise

Sadly, as some of you already know, my mother passed away on February 17th. She fought so hard and gave it her all, it's still hard to believe this is reality now. But I was honored and proud to have enough strength to share a few words with everyone about the wonderful woman my mother was and the great life she lived. We all miss her tremendously!!! Several people asked me where my strength came from when I gave this speech at my mom's funeral and I simply replied: from God and Mom, they were both with me! Don't worry mommy, I will still continue the teal fight in your honor in hopes that other women won't have to go through this like you would always tell me. The only comfort I can gain out of this is that your my guardian angel now but this process is difficult. ~LOVE & MISS YOU beyond words~

"My family and I want to thank all of you for being here today. We always knew what an amazing, generous and kind woman my mommy was, and this last week, the outpouring of love and support has proven this to be true. All the emails, texts, calls and cards have touched our hearts. I want everyone to know my mommy would've been humbled at this outpouring. She was never one to put herself before others and knowing that all of these people, some who don’t even know her, are praying and thinking of her and the family has surely put a big smile on her face.

I honestly don't know how I can adequately describe my mom with words. She lived her life in the most positive way. She encouraged us to love one another because we were all we had. Her actions were an incredible example that she showed my brother, me and Jazlyn the true definition of a mother. She was a person who possessed qualities we should all try to imitate and a true role model. I hope to be just like her!

My mommy cared deeply for her family and had the kindest of hearts. She cared more about us than her very own battle with cancer, and I must say I have no idea how someone endured so much physically, mentally, and emotionally but this only proved how strong she was! When you stepped into her house you could see and feel all her love for the family. You will find pictures everywhere you look and there are mountains of cherished photo albums that she held onto for many years. Thanks to her we have so many memories to look back on. I found it so interesting that when I was searching for pictures of her by herself the only time you would find one was prior to me and my brother being born. After she started her family it was very rare to find a picture by herself.  I know myself and others would try to be sneaky and snap a picture of her by herself but if you got caught she would fuss at you :-) She had one of the prettiest smiles yet rarely liked taking pictures alone. We always joked with her about her loud voice, extreme house cleaning, and her short little self. She adored her grandchild, Jazlyn, more than anything and they had a beautiful bond. We know that as she got sicker, the main reason she fought so hard was for the family.  

We will miss her with all our heart and will always cherish the times we spent together, the memories are endless and everywhere we turn. She was always there for everything and anything we needed and was the most loving and caring wife, mother and grandmother. She was selfless and always put others ahead of her. She never wanted people to go out of their way for her. Yet, she did it all of the time for others. She has touched the lives of many people, even if it was with a few kind words, a kind gesture, or a bright smile. Even though she's physically gone, her memory will live in all of our hearts forever. Her spirit has not left us and she left a lasting impression. Everyone who was ever touched by her should have faith that she'll be watching over them because that's just the kind of person she was.

My mommy was a remarkable woman and I know she is proud of us and will help us through this. Cherish the memories you have of her and honor your family. This is how she lived her life and there is no better way of honoring her than by following her example. We should all take comfort in knowing that right now, she's standing at the gates of heaven, with a smile on her face and without any pain. It makes us so happy for her, even though I'm so sad for us. But mommy you couldn't have made us any prouder, you did everything right, and we can never thank you enough for all your love you shared with us each and every day. What a wonderful example you are for me as a woman, mother, and wife. I will be great because I learned it from the best and I'm amazing because you were amazing!" 

Link to Obituary

Changing My Perspective

My mom has not been doing well since the week after Christmas…6 weeks now. And in those 6 weeks we’ve had to take her to the ER 3 times resulting in being admitted each time. She has spent a total of 4 out of those 6 weeks in the hospital, with some of those weeks resulting in yet another “complication”. She went home Saturday after being there for 2 weeks but yesterday I had to take her back to the hospital because her nausea has not been controlled by the doctors or the medication they’ve prescribed. I’m not sure how long they’ll admit her this time, it’s always unknown. I feel my days becoming harder and harder because in the past when she would go to the hospital she was able to bounce back after a few days, now the hospital visits become more frequent and longer. I think a lot of my sadness/worry comes from just seeing my mom go through so much and it tears me up to witness all of it.  But through all the pain she’s not giving up and neither am I.  She’s due for her 15^th round of chemo next Friday-Valentine’s Day :-)  My mom has a lot of fight and determination in her!

At the same time all that sadness occurs I’m also happy (even if just for the moment), yep hard to believe for some. Lately it’s not easily conveyed by me and I get a lot of people asking me “Are you sure everything is ok?” And truthfully everything is not ok but I can’t give up on myself, can’t dwell on it b/c it won’t help anything out one bit….I’ve tried. That’s why I’ve started keeping my mind busier, it may seem silly to some but things as simple as blogging, Tumblr, exercising, meeting up with friends, reading, etc they help my mind! I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s the best way to just take that heavy I carry in my mind off. I can be happy one minute and sad the next minute, that’s how quickly my mind shifts back to my mom.  It’s definitely easier said than done but it’s kind of been working little by little for me. But more importantly I've also been reading the Bible more. What helps you guys keep your mind busy?

So with the constant battle I have in my mind & with my emotions I was finding myself confused, frustrated, and in more fear of my mom’s life. It’s the human nature in all of us to worry over what we can’t control, I’m learning and trying to turn off that human nature little by little each day! I believe each obstacle in my way is put there to teach me something and quite often I think the Lord is trying to teach me patience and faith! I always turn to God and believe in Him…yet I guess the devil tends to whisper in my ear at times :-/   

So I asked my friend the following 

How do you have faith that everything will be ok but also “prepare” yourself for the “what ifs”? I guess those words shouldn’t belong in the same sentence, I want everything to be ok and believe it will be but we’re all human so there’s that one little voice in my head that’s telling me “what if”, then what? 

Her response was 

Dealing w/the “what ifs” involves pure faith.  Having faith that isn’t shaken by circumstances, people’s opinions and even what the situation may look like. Operating in pure faith is not easy but it’s not something we can’t learn how to do. You have to keep your environment clean, pure, and free of dissenting opinions that disagree with what you believe. Don’t let these doctor reports, the multiple trips to the ER affect your faith. Keep believing until you see the manifestation”

Hearing this from her reminded me yet again to stay strong in my faith for though it might be difficult, that doesn’t make it impossible!  I never lose faith but it can definitely become a lot stronger than it is. I know it will take a lot of will, a lot of courage and sometimes even a lot of tears.  I read somewhere “Do not be ashamed if you are not there yet because God has a growth for you to come into. And if you are now struggling to walk by faith, understand that all you have to do is change your perspective.”  

Looking at the bigger picture I will either have learned something valuable from all of this to help another person or to strengthen myself spiritually and I have to thank Him for that!

Women vs Women; Let's Stop

“We (society) raise girls to be each other’s competitors, not for jobs or for accomplishments which I think can be a good thing but for the attention of men.” 

- Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

I love that saying! Why do so many females compete with one another? It seems like many females don't like to see other females succeed, but why? I'm not saying all females are that way but a vast majority from what I see each day are. I, on the other hand, love seeing my friends succeed and any women for that matter, we should all help one another. By competing with other females you only show your immaturity, ignorance, and insecurity.  Imagine how much happier some of you would be if you just helped one another instead of shutting each other down. I think society plays a role but we can change that, we don’t have to conform to the way majority of society functions/thinks.

Reality TV and Social Media

So there’s no more "Martin", "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air", "Wayan’s Brothers", and our good ol’fave sitcoms.  Now our channels are consumed on a daily basis with reality TV that thrives off dysfunctional and drama filled shows with a large portion of them centered around females fighting females in some form. Not all reality tv is bad though, I like "American Idol", "The Voice", "So You Think You Can Dance", "Biggest Loser", etc but the ones I speak of are shows like: "The Bachelor", "Flavor of Love", "For the Love of Ray J"…women competing for a man. Shows like: "Basketball Wives", "Bad Girls Club", "Love and Hip Hop" where woman are constantly at each other’s throat trying to be the bigger and badder "bitch". Even "Jersey Shore" and "Teen Mom" don't have great messages about females and the thought of putting out a show as ridiculous as "All My Babies Mamas"- Shawty Lo and all his baby mamas, like really…WOW!  We all have our guilty pleasures (Real Housewives of ATL for me) and nothing wrong with watching them but do we recognize how these shows affect the way women are viewed by society? And some females don't know any better and think the "right" way to act and carry yourself are like these females on TV! In an article I read it stated “reality television is doing little more than 'empowering' young girls to be overly negative” and I believe it.  The younger generation is much more different than we were growing up!  And now with social media, many of us spend a lot of time on FB, IG, YouTube, etc where we can still see females are against each other…the YouTube videos, like Sharkeisha! Really?! And that's the type of stuff that becomes the most viewed videos, headlines, glorified and people think it's funny so they keep the video going and some even start imitating it just so they can get a little bit of fame or thousands of views, but it's wrong...smh. That’s why I choose to post what inspires me, what I love to do, who I love, etc because I’m proud of those things and I hope other women would gravitate more towards a positive approach to life.  I don’t post items on my sites for attention, sympathy, or for myself. I post a lot of encouragement because I need it and others might too.  The same why I get inspired and encouraged by reading other people’s sites, there’s a possibility my followers might be able to do the same on my sites.  You never know who is following you and looking up to you, and if I can be that little light at the end of the tunnel that's what I'll continue doing.  Yes I've change my ways, I'm a woman now and there's personal growth in me every day.  I just want to pour that out to others too!

The whole point I wanted to make was that women are still not being viewed or treated equally as men are in today’s society, yet some of you still want to work against each other instead of empowering each other?!?  I challenge you to re-evaluate how you treat others and strive to be a better person for yourself and for others, it will take you far in life…I’ve seen it happen! If some of us would stop putting each other down we'd be able to help one another through our struggles, because we all have them. People always tend to be there for your highs, but at your lows sometimes it can get lonely. Why not help a friend with encouragement if she is struggling with her weight...offer your tips/advice if you've been successful at it. Why not help out a friend who is making bad choices with men instead of gossiping about them and judging them...if you've been successful at overcoming this offer your methods to success. Why not offer your resources or connects to someone in search of new opportunities...why can't you share your story to success. Is it because we don’t want the other female to become better than us or live a better life than us, become more successful than us?? I think that is the case. So I actually do offer resources, motivation, and anything I can help with...I’d be a selfish person not to help others succeed if I can.  Why not use my experience to help push them along to fulfill their goals...and that's how I hope some women begin to think.  I've been that girl that didn't have a strong support system behind me but I pushed through life the best I could by being my own biggest supporters...maybe that's why I don't want others to go through that and actually have people there for them.

Does anyone else think this is still a “man’s world”? yet another reason for women to support one another! I enjoyed listening to Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's video on gender- “We Should All Be Feminists”